Teenagers Are Dumb (a review of the Ruins - 2008 horror)

There's nothing more embarrassing than being an entitled, young, oblivious American teen in another country. This movie is about bad decision-making, pure and simple. And like that, I am old.

Take the vapid mix of ignorant entitled American teens hanging out, bored, and entirely ignorant of other cultures deciding to go with a stranger to ancient Mayan ruins on their last day before leaving for home. There are so many things right there that any practical person would realize leads to utter doom. Especially if you've ever watched ANY other horror movie in the world. 

Even their taxi driver was like hey you don't want to go there, it's a bad place. Ooop for $20 I'll take you, it's your funeral after all.

I was like, "look at these dumb kids walking miles (one of them in flip flops) in a jungle to a remote ruins without adequate food or water." Then I remembered I did this at Mt. Rainier 3 years ago, so I dialed down the judginess a bit. For a little while. No taxi ride back with questionable cell service, with no concern for indigenous or current cultures onto private lands... ah well.

While I was still deciding if the movie was going to go serious or silly, it went serious very quickly and these teens found themselves on top of the Mayan pyramid, trapped by locals who really didn't want them leaving. Sacrifice? Cannibalism? Darwinism? Who knew, and the movie got more interesting. I threw my hands in the air with vindication when one of them said, "we're Americans! This doesn't happen to us!" and laughed for a good bit. Dumbass.

The events unfolded well, and there were some truly grisly moments I've come to expect in horror movies. Some very gruesome gore scenes and scenarios played out that left me queasy and squirmy. There's a part where the protagonist made an enthralling sound that was very akin to the xenobear in "Annihilation" that was ultra-creepy and memorable.

I didn't feel particularly sympathetic to the characters, but the scenarios were frightening and a reminder safety can go to dire emergency very quickly, especially if you are afflicted with the skills of young kids without a care in the world. I would watch Jena Malone as the antagonist in any movie because she just looks like she enjoys making people feel like she is going to eat them. She's only the social antagonist here. Some of the better acting also. 

Finally, bereft of supplies (despite one of them being pre-med), and having had to make quick decisions in the same realm as Lord of the Flies, there's a chance for escape. WILL THEY MAKE IT? These dumb teenagers had one good idea. Tune in and find out if they get home or not. #plants.

I'm Behind on My Reviews (a review of "Behind the Mask" - 2006 horror)

Behind the Mask: Rise of Leslie Vernon. Well, this was a tough one for me, for a number of reasons. First of all, I didn't have nearly enough horror capital to truly enjoy all the nuance and reference clearly put into this movie. Given the topic of meta on the Bingo, it's pretty easy to see that this movie was basically "behind the scenes of the making of" a horror movie - with a lot of murder.

It was funny, but I spend so much of my day in a "meta" space that I kept waiting for surprises that were, to me, obvious. But I could totally see where the humor in it was the making fun of all the complexity of the very traditional scenarios involved in what occurs in murder movies. 

Toward the end I did find I liked "here's what always happens in a horror movie so we're going to do the thing counter to that which ends up being predicted by the murderer" - turning those learning the ropes that the tables have turned. I found the idea of a murderer spending all their time preparing things like one-use axes and subsequent risk mitigation ("I'm in trouble if they get me on the first hit, lol") very amusing. I'm beginning to think that Zombieland's list of best practices should include, "Don't be a dumb teenager" high up on the list.

SO yeah not much to say on this one, but I think I'm not qualified. Maybe a re-watch once I get through the 31 flavors will give me more appreciation. Or maybe someone will write about how I thought about writing this article, and take i to the next meta level.

Musicals are Horror, for me (a review of Little Shop of Horrors - 1986 horror)

I'm sure my parents would be disappointed to learn that all the formative years of being forced to watch musicals led to me really not liking musicals. "But the culture..." Yes, maybe I'd be a better person gagging my way through "My Fair Lady", but life is cruel and life without musicals will have to do. As much beauty, humanity, and vulnerability can be found in them, you'll find me choosing network security or programming tutorials a refreshing, preferred alternative. West Side System.out.println("OMG No"). 

Little Shop of Horrors is maybe one of the few I can handle. There's enough campiness and deliberate messing with the idea of a musical that I'm able to ride above my dislike of the genre. If you take the musical part away (trust me, I did this in my head), LSOH is a pretty grisly tale.

I'm probably not giving much away for you self-proclaimed musical lovers. There's woman-beating, sadism, alien invasion conspiracy (and reality), a kind of multi-species vampirism, and, of course, dentistry. All kinds of horror. All the good guys lose in the end, while ecstatically singing and dancing to their own demise. Finally, capitalism makes its unsurprising entrance and we're left with destruction of the US because of abject consumerism and clever marketing. The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Audrey 2. Some days, I'm ok with that. Steve Martin channeling his inner Blue Velvet was also entertaining, and horrifying, upstaged by Bill Murray, who just seems like he'd really like that sort of thing. musical or not.

OK, I admit, I liked the 3 black singers who acted as conscience and story-teller throughout. Harbingers of doom can sing all they want. [insert unexpected musical number here]. All in all, Little Shop of Horrors is the one musical I can turn to where reality can meet expectation.

Va te faire foutre, bonne fin! (A review of the French edition of Martyrs - 2008 horror)

My wife often asks of Christina, "When does she sleep??" when I describe all she does in a given day. My question is, "HOW does she sleep?" Especially after watching a movie like Martyrs. 

I've actually seen a lot of non-American films, and I generally like them because they don't follow American movie-making convention. We are very predictable over here in the states, and I often can predict a movie's plot-line and sometimes verbiage from a single hearing-loss-enabling bass-filled movie trailer. That guy is going to die; they are going to be fed to the alien; lol she's going to say, "I can't believe it was [name of obvious villain]" and so on. The lead role never dies, and the comedic relief is always there to let us laugh between predictable tension moments.

Martyrs is a weird kind of masterpiece. A 2020-level progressive beating that shifts perspective as you go. Will the lead live through it all? That's not the question. Who is the lead, really? When will the pain and suffering stop? That's also not the question. What will the suffering change into is more accurate.

This movie very masterfully leads you down a relentless path that starts vehemently differently than it ends. I imagine the director was not thinking so much, "how much money can we make?" as "how far can we go before someone in the audience vomits?" And then secretly delights in the knowledge.

It's art to watch this movie take you through the regular "oh I recognize this kind of horror" scenarios into completely different areas. Supernatural thriller! Not exactly. Hack/slash? Sort of, but maybe not. Bloody, visceral mess? Yes, but also so much more.

As you are relentlessly taken through what is incredible terror and real life trauma, the balm eventually turns into an entirely different kind of terror and I was at some point desperately looking for the token fall guy to get pantsed so I could laugh in between retching and compulsive fingernail chewing.

Despite its visceral pain (and if you are sensitive to, well, any of many disturbing things you may want to watch with extreme trigger caution), the architecture of the storytelling and process of the movie is not only simply perfectly different than US films, it's an impressive flow on its own. They need to make a sequel with kittens and a puppy so I can recover but still be amazed. 

This, as a second movie, gave me serious pause. Because 2020 has been so generally relentless, I started thinking, hey, it would be nice not to have someone else's terrible experiences added to that. But I guess I am tougher than expected. Or dumber. Here let me poke you in the eye for a while and see how you do.

Incidentally, my wife and I were both so disturbed we had to watch Lilo and Stitch afterward. I needed brain sandpaper or something as benign as Disney to make me feel US-oblivious again. Well done, Martyrs, on fulfilling the role of Martyr in Horror Bingo, 2020 edition.

We've All Seen Penises We Didn't Intend to (Review of the Re-Animator - 1985 horror)

This is my first post in a long time. So long that I deleted the previous posts, which were dumb.

It's 2020 and it's been a shitshow. Instead of talking about 2020, I decided to participate, with my amazing friend [and coincidentally colleague], Christina Bergling, in her 2020 Horror Bingo. A grand attempt at normalcy in a dysfunctional 2020.

Horror is not my genre. It's my hope that my horror virginity, much like the unfortunate teens in said genre, will protect me and provide amusing counterpoint to the much more qualified Christina. I'm all Star Wars and Lord of the Rings, action movies, and so on. I accidentally see a horror movie now and then when I mistake it for action or drama. 

October 1 started with 1985's Re-Animator. Right off the bat I was like, HEY! It's Commander Shran - our blue-skinned Andorian from Enterprise. Aww, I bet he's going to die. 

I laughed, I rolled my eyes, I hid my eyes. My wife, who was doomscrolling actual 2020 horror and was partially watching, concluded, "everyone is young and naked." Well, they were mostly young. 

Scientific experimental rigor took a back seat to questionable morality. This led to inevitable situations where people, well, had to die. You want my insane idea? No sir, you cannot have it. SPLAT.

Was it terrifying, horrifying? No, it wasn't that type of horror. I don't scare very easily anyway. I do get grossed out. There was plenty of blood, good campy fun, that special kind of acting from the 80s, and the naked people.

Unlike today's movies, almost no one is beautiful (though I admit a certain man crash on Mr/ Combs because I think he was hilarious in Enterprise). No perfectly coiffed actors and actresses with radiant teeth and perky 20-something bodies. There was nudity young and old, men and women, alive and dead. I can handle most gore (and there was plenty of blood), and the delightful visceral mayhem inevitably found me laughing and cringing. I suppose that's delight.

All in all it wasn't as bad as I thought my first real look at horror would be. The movie didn't suck - it was good acting, and a good story if you didn't mind letting go of reality a bit. I mean come on, a lab should be a lot cleaner than this was. 

My review is very inexperienced - what will I learn in the next 30 days? Will I reflect more on what others with more horror capital have for this movie? Is it a classic? It definitely fit the topical Bingo hit of "bad science."